Pondering Instead of Sleeping…

Robert Frost Quote

Life goes on.

I love it, and after today it seems to fit perfect.

Thankfully, I am not a depressed person. I know many who battle with depression on a daily basis. I have had the pleasure of becoming extremely intimate with my social anxiety, but depression is a different beast altogether.

Why am I starting this post writing about depression? Well, I had one of those days. This post is going to be slightly different from what I typically write, but its my blog, I can do what I want! 🙂

In the natural rhythms of life, we have high tides and low tides. For whatever reason, I dipped into one of those low spots today.

Perhaps it is the fact that my diet hasn’t been ideal recently, or my sleep schedule has been thrown of slightly (obviously, if I’m up writing at 2:00am). I hope one of these 2 reasons are the culprit, as it would make dealing with this a lot easier.

In the last few months I have been on somewhat of an emotional high. One can’t expect this to last forever. So maybe my emotional energies are just taking a temporary downturn. Nah…this doesn’t sound like me.

I tell you one thing…after being forced into rehab and therapy for the last two years, I have learned far more about myself than I ever realized existed. Now I know I said I was “forced”, and this is true (long story), but I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate the insights I have received, and continue to be blessed with as a result.

One such insight is learning about the superego; AKA the “Inner Critic“; AKA “The Voice of Satan“; or as I personally refer to it, the “Inner Asshole“. We all have this voice inside of us. It serves a purpose – often it may protect our ego/identity by holding us back from making certain mistakes. For some of us, this voice is a little louder. Mine tends to tell me all sorts of ridiculousness – “You are a failure“, “Don’t speak up, nobody wants to hear what you have to say anyways“, “You are so fat, you should be ashamed of yourself“, “Look at you, you haven’t worked for 2 years – you’re a bum! You know you’re just fooling yourself by thinking all this ‘therapy’ crap has actually benefited you!”.

It was this last statement that really got to me today. The reality is yes, I have been unemployed since 2010. This is a source of major insecurity and sensitivity. I have picked up new hobbies, new knowledge, and most importantly – a relationship with a God that 2 years ago I had doubt of His existence. I have developed a relationship with myself, and have learned to love all my strengths and weaknesses and faults.

I share all of this so I can hold myself accountable through this post. Over the next several days, I am going to go into a discussion about this “Inner Critic”. It is one of these areas that I have done a tremendous amount of work upon. I also know I am not the only one who suffers from this “voice” inside.

I plan to write a clear definition of what this voice is; I also plan to write a follow-up piece discussing the process of identifying it, talking to it, coming to terms with it, and living a rewarding life despite of it.

I am going to go take a couple melatonin, curl up to a good book, and try to get some rest. I have to be up in about 6 hours! I need my beauty sleep…


4 comments on “Pondering Instead of Sleeping…

  1. Ah, the inner critic- woke me up at 3:30 and now I’m reading instead of sleeping.😒
    I look forward to the follow up, which hopefully my inner critic will allow me to read at a civilized time…

  2. I love your name for your Inner Critic. Good one. We all have one. the trick is to let her words flow in and out, in and out, without taking root. I’m glad you’ve taken the time to get solidly sober. that’s the best thing to do right now.

  3. Hi Troy, good to hear from you and thanks for the great post, we need to be good to ourselves 🙂

  4. […] couple nights ago, during a bout of insomnia, I noted that I had had one of those “Woe is me” days. Realizing how uncommon these […]

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